A new year...2011

2010 blew past us, but not without leaving its mark. There are so many things that happened, good and bad, that i don't even know where to begin... Let's start with Michael standing on his very own for the first time in January <3 I will never forget how his eyes lit up as soon as he realized what he was doing. He was always so bright and happy. February marked Me and Brad's 2 year anniversary together <3 And then we come to a screeching halt rolling into March... the month when our lives were changed forever. We lost our beautiful baby boy on march 2nd due to an intestinal block. It all happened so sudden...within 36 hours our little Bubbas went from perfect to gone. Not one day goes by where we long to have him back and love and miss him. The next few months were kind of a blur to us, we did move from our apartment in citrus heights to an apartment in folsom in April. In the middle of May I returned to work, I had a hard time getting back into the idea of a normal routine...all i could think about was all the families and babies that came into my work and it just made me angry/sad/jealous. We spent the summer trying to get out of the house whenever possible...nature is always so soothing. We also found out that Brad's parent's were going to set us up with a house that we can make the payments on and have a place of our very own, so we put an offer on the house next door to his parent's! By the time September/October rolled around our lease was up at the apartment and we didn't have quite enough money to make rent and ended up getting evicted (knowing that we were in process of buying a house, it was no big deal) and we moved into my mom's garage/attic. The winter months were hard...more because of the holiday season but also because we found out that our little sister was pregnant...hearing that news at first felt like a dagger to the heart. nothing against my sister of course it was just the thought of someone else bringing a new baby to the family, i felt jealous, hurt, angry, and every other emotion in the book. Now having had time to get used to the idea, we are fine...the jealously doesn't really go away but that's how i have felt towards most pregnant women or women with small children...I am a mother without a child and it hurts bad. But the thought of having Christmas with the family just made me sick because our son wouldn't be there with us like he should be, so Brad and I did not attend the family get together this year..it was just too hard. About a week before christmas we had decided that the house next door was no longer a good choice for us and that we needed to take our bid off the house and start looking for another house. So on the search we are. Finally...New years...I must say that it hit me harder on new years than it did on Christmas being without Michael...all i could think about was that last new years i started the new year with our amazing little boy and this year I had to start the new year without him... All I can really say for 2011 is please be nice to us...nothing will ever change what happened last year and we will hold onto our memories of our little angel for the rest of our lives but we are praying for good things this year...

we love you always Michael Anthony Auch <3 3.13.09 to 3.2.10 <3

A letter to Bubbas

Michael Anthony <3

Here we are...just a couple days away from it being 6 whole months since you left us. I miss you every single day and it seems like instead of it becoming "easier" as time passes it has become harder. All i think about is what you would be like now and all the things we would have done with you. You would have been 17 months old soon...
I do my best to stay strong for you and for daddy, but sometimes it is just so hard. My heart aches to hold you close again. Me and daddy love you with all our hearts and will never stop missing you...You will always be our Bubbas <3

Forever and Ever,

Mama <3

Its been a while...

I havent written in quite some time...but i think its just because i dont know what to say, but I wanted to come write something just to update those who keep an eye on me :) My husband and I are doing okay, we still ache for our son everyday, but I dont think that will ever really go away...i dont think i would even want it to though, it keeps him close. We do ask that you pray for better job opportunities, we are waiting to get Brad a job at Color Spot which would be the perfect job for him and would make us financially stable. And i always just want to keep thanking everyone out there for the continuing prayers and words of comfort that you all send our way. It has been 4 months as of the 2nd, and even to this day i still can't believe all this has even happened... we miss our little man everyday <3

We love you Michael Anthony Auch! <3

This poem means alot to me

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.

When GOD looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There is no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven,
And now at last you are free.
So won't you take my hand.
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

It has been 83 days...

I haven't written in a while. Some of that has to do with my computer being in the shop but i have also been busy, getting back into work a lot more now, trying to hold a steady 20 hours a week, and I'm doing pretty good at about 15 to 18 so I'm getting there. Brad and I are doing okay. I get into this dilemma with myself over the question, "How are we doing?" because my programmed response for life was always just to say good, whether i was good or bad, but since we lost our Michael, I cant seem to say that I am good without Micheal's face flashing through my mind and immediately I want to take it back...And it isn't because I may not be doing Ok, it's that I still feel like I'm not okay with being good, it feels wrong almost...because my son, my little baby boy is not here so how can it be good? But don't get me wrong...we still smile and laugh and strive to continue through each day together and at our best ability to be happy. But always in some part of our minds our precious little Bubbas stays and sometimes, usually when I am alone, i will finally just let myself go for a few minutes and just ball my eyes out. We miss him so much there are no words to explain. We mourn not only for our son we lost but for the boy and man he would have grown up to be...But his memory will always live on...He touched all our lives in such a huge way.

I wanted to also just take a moment to thank every single person who has helped us during this hardest time of our lives. There are so many people that have reached out to us, whether it was a note saying they cared, or the dinners that were brought to us, or all the never ending prayers we have and still do receive.

I also have a special thank you to the members of Bridgeway Church, Lifehouse Church, and Kaiser Perminente for your contributions to the fund that was created to help us through this. I don't know what we would have done without you...

Our love goes out to you all.

The days leading up to mother's day...

Mother's day is this sunday....and i am not looking forward to being reminded of all the mother's who are blessed with their children...I almost feel bad, like im being unreasonable almost. Its more jealousy i guess, thinking about how they all still have their babies and i dont. its just not fair. but i try not to think like that. I dont want to be angry and negative. Its just so hard, especially at work, this week. Seeing all the cards and gifts for mothers day that people are buying and all the happy mothers day decorations around the store, of course on top of always seeing babies and children, but im "used to" that (as much as ill ever be i think). See alot of people think only about the obvious getting to me...seeing babies around his age or babies crying, but you'd be surprised that older toddlers or pregnant women get to me too. I see older toddlers and think of what he would have and should have been and it tears me apart. I miss not only who he was but who he was going to be too. And pregnant women...oh my...they hit me pretty hard, maybe its because that where we first met with our Michael or maybe its the sadness of not having my own baby anymore. everyone keeps telling me that i need to always remember that i am still a mother and i know that is true its just hard to feel like a mother when your child is in heaven... TO all of you mother's out there reading this...I hope you have a special mother's day, and always remember how precious life really is...never take anything for granite and always cherish your children! <3

Baby Boy

My little sister(in law) wrote a very heartfelt blog today about michael and it just put me in tears. Everything she said..I feel the same. It hurts everyday. We all miss him so very much. Here is what she wrote:
The pain of that night replays in my head daily. the phone call that i got, the car ride to the hospital, and all the days of mourning since march 2010. I feel like I'm never going to get through this. It's like a battle against myself. Some days I laugh about the good times I had with him, but most days I cry. Michael was the happiest baby I've ever met, He was smart, and funny. I can remember his smell, his giggle, and his smile like I just saw him 10 minutes ago. He's the only boy who's loved me unconditionally that i've loved back just as much. His life was taken too soon. I'm sitting here writing this because i just saw the same pain that i have, but in my dad. He made a collage of Michaels pictures outside. He covered them in little sayings like "grandpa loves you baby" and "you're my love". I know that this pain will never leave and i feel like it's getting worse everyday. When i go to sleep at night, i pray that God will bring him back to me for just long enough for me to say goodbye and that i love him and give him JUST one last hug and kiss. just one last time. I'm losing faith in everything at this point. I'm missing a huge part of my heart. He's still in my dreams. Playing with his tonka truck and kissing his curious george stuffed animal. But thats not enough. i just want him back to hold and play with and watch him grow. Easter was hard. i didn't get to dress him up in his easter outfit, buy him a stuffed bunny or help him hunt eggs in the back yard. We had a hollow brunch that dispersed pretty quickly, with the thought of him bouncing around in all our heads but very little spoken about him. He missed his first birthday by 11 days. no presents, no party, nothing. i try to forget because it hurts me so badly inside. i try to move on, to live normally, but now instead of seeing a little boy and his daddy and talking about michael and my brother, i tear up and walk the other direction. thinking of how my big brother doesn't have his son any more. it hurts me to see my brother hurt more than anyone else. i grew up with him, so i know how he is, and he's different. not the way he acts, or dresses, or lives life. but there's just something that's missing about him. it kills me. Michael is in my heart forever and on my mind constantly. i love him more than anything, and i wish he would have known that. i didn't tell him enough.
Rest In Paradise Baby.
Aunty Loves You.
..
Michael Anthony Auch
March 13, 2009 - March 2, 2010



WE LOVE YOU BUBBAS!