A letter to Bubbas

Michael Anthony <3

Here we are...just a couple days away from it being 6 whole months since you left us. I miss you every single day and it seems like instead of it becoming "easier" as time passes it has become harder. All i think about is what you would be like now and all the things we would have done with you. You would have been 17 months old soon...
I do my best to stay strong for you and for daddy, but sometimes it is just so hard. My heart aches to hold you close again. Me and daddy love you with all our hearts and will never stop missing you...You will always be our Bubbas <3

Forever and Ever,

Mama <3

Its been a while...

I havent written in quite some time...but i think its just because i dont know what to say, but I wanted to come write something just to update those who keep an eye on me :) My husband and I are doing okay, we still ache for our son everyday, but I dont think that will ever really go away...i dont think i would even want it to though, it keeps him close. We do ask that you pray for better job opportunities, we are waiting to get Brad a job at Color Spot which would be the perfect job for him and would make us financially stable. And i always just want to keep thanking everyone out there for the continuing prayers and words of comfort that you all send our way. It has been 4 months as of the 2nd, and even to this day i still can't believe all this has even happened... we miss our little man everyday <3

We love you Michael Anthony Auch! <3

This poem means alot to me

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.

When GOD looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There is no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven,
And now at last you are free.
So won't you take my hand.
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we are far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

It has been 83 days...

I haven't written in a while. Some of that has to do with my computer being in the shop but i have also been busy, getting back into work a lot more now, trying to hold a steady 20 hours a week, and I'm doing pretty good at about 15 to 18 so I'm getting there. Brad and I are doing okay. I get into this dilemma with myself over the question, "How are we doing?" because my programmed response for life was always just to say good, whether i was good or bad, but since we lost our Michael, I cant seem to say that I am good without Micheal's face flashing through my mind and immediately I want to take it back...And it isn't because I may not be doing Ok, it's that I still feel like I'm not okay with being good, it feels wrong almost...because my son, my little baby boy is not here so how can it be good? But don't get me wrong...we still smile and laugh and strive to continue through each day together and at our best ability to be happy. But always in some part of our minds our precious little Bubbas stays and sometimes, usually when I am alone, i will finally just let myself go for a few minutes and just ball my eyes out. We miss him so much there are no words to explain. We mourn not only for our son we lost but for the boy and man he would have grown up to be...But his memory will always live on...He touched all our lives in such a huge way.

I wanted to also just take a moment to thank every single person who has helped us during this hardest time of our lives. There are so many people that have reached out to us, whether it was a note saying they cared, or the dinners that were brought to us, or all the never ending prayers we have and still do receive.

I also have a special thank you to the members of Bridgeway Church, Lifehouse Church, and Kaiser Perminente for your contributions to the fund that was created to help us through this. I don't know what we would have done without you...

Our love goes out to you all.

The days leading up to mother's day...

Mother's day is this sunday....and i am not looking forward to being reminded of all the mother's who are blessed with their children...I almost feel bad, like im being unreasonable almost. Its more jealousy i guess, thinking about how they all still have their babies and i dont. its just not fair. but i try not to think like that. I dont want to be angry and negative. Its just so hard, especially at work, this week. Seeing all the cards and gifts for mothers day that people are buying and all the happy mothers day decorations around the store, of course on top of always seeing babies and children, but im "used to" that (as much as ill ever be i think). See alot of people think only about the obvious getting to me...seeing babies around his age or babies crying, but you'd be surprised that older toddlers or pregnant women get to me too. I see older toddlers and think of what he would have and should have been and it tears me apart. I miss not only who he was but who he was going to be too. And pregnant women...oh my...they hit me pretty hard, maybe its because that where we first met with our Michael or maybe its the sadness of not having my own baby anymore. everyone keeps telling me that i need to always remember that i am still a mother and i know that is true its just hard to feel like a mother when your child is in heaven... TO all of you mother's out there reading this...I hope you have a special mother's day, and always remember how precious life really is...never take anything for granite and always cherish your children! <3

Baby Boy

My little sister(in law) wrote a very heartfelt blog today about michael and it just put me in tears. Everything she said..I feel the same. It hurts everyday. We all miss him so very much. Here is what she wrote:
The pain of that night replays in my head daily. the phone call that i got, the car ride to the hospital, and all the days of mourning since march 2010. I feel like I'm never going to get through this. It's like a battle against myself. Some days I laugh about the good times I had with him, but most days I cry. Michael was the happiest baby I've ever met, He was smart, and funny. I can remember his smell, his giggle, and his smile like I just saw him 10 minutes ago. He's the only boy who's loved me unconditionally that i've loved back just as much. His life was taken too soon. I'm sitting here writing this because i just saw the same pain that i have, but in my dad. He made a collage of Michaels pictures outside. He covered them in little sayings like "grandpa loves you baby" and "you're my love". I know that this pain will never leave and i feel like it's getting worse everyday. When i go to sleep at night, i pray that God will bring him back to me for just long enough for me to say goodbye and that i love him and give him JUST one last hug and kiss. just one last time. I'm losing faith in everything at this point. I'm missing a huge part of my heart. He's still in my dreams. Playing with his tonka truck and kissing his curious george stuffed animal. But thats not enough. i just want him back to hold and play with and watch him grow. Easter was hard. i didn't get to dress him up in his easter outfit, buy him a stuffed bunny or help him hunt eggs in the back yard. We had a hollow brunch that dispersed pretty quickly, with the thought of him bouncing around in all our heads but very little spoken about him. He missed his first birthday by 11 days. no presents, no party, nothing. i try to forget because it hurts me so badly inside. i try to move on, to live normally, but now instead of seeing a little boy and his daddy and talking about michael and my brother, i tear up and walk the other direction. thinking of how my big brother doesn't have his son any more. it hurts me to see my brother hurt more than anyone else. i grew up with him, so i know how he is, and he's different. not the way he acts, or dresses, or lives life. but there's just something that's missing about him. it kills me. Michael is in my heart forever and on my mind constantly. i love him more than anything, and i wish he would have known that. i didn't tell him enough.
Rest In Paradise Baby.
Aunty Loves You.
..
Michael Anthony Auch
March 13, 2009 - March 2, 2010



WE LOVE YOU BUBBAS!

Bubbas

I miss every little detail about you...

your big beautiful brown eyes that lit up when you saw mama and dada,
your contagious laugh that followed everytime we laughed,
your silly army crawl that you did,
every adorable babble that came from your precious mouth,
the way you would point your tiny finger at anything you thought was neat.

I'll never forget the first time you waved, or clapped your hands so excitedly.
And I'll always remember that beautiful smile, that took my breath away.

The way you looked when i fed you something new, or how happy you were when you discovered that bath time was fun.

You will always be my sunshine, and that will never change.

I love you Michael Anthony Auch. You will always be my baby boy.

It has been 50 long days since i held our precious boy, they say it gets easier with time, but it almost hurts worse as time goes by...

Love you Bubbas <3

Red Bluff Rodeo

We got back from the rodeo in Red Bluff today. I must say it was very nice being able to get out and enjoy nature and have some fun at the rodeo. It was hard being at the rodeo though, so many little boys in little cowboy boots and cowboy hats...it reminded me so much of how excited we all were about Micheal's first rodeo trip, and how we would have gotten him his own cowboy hat and boots...But it was a great trip. We had fun camping and going on nature walks with the whole gang. We went with Brad's side of the family; Mom & Dad, Allison & Zach, Elisia & Kayla, Grandma & Papa, Uncle Hyde & Christy & Cody, and elisia's friends Kristy, Katrina, Carrie and her family :)

So altogether it was a good weekend.

life keeps going but i dont want it to......

days keep passing by...yet i dont want life to go on without you michael. I just want to go back and fix everything. I miss you way too much michael! I just want to hold you and never let you go. love you bubbas!

Moved

We moved into our new place on friday...feels like we are staying in a hotel..but i really like it here. the scenery is so peaceful, i walked out on our front porch yesterday morning and it was bright and sunny, we are surrounded by trees and rolling hills of green grass. all i could here were birds chirping. Its a very relaxing place to try and make a "new start". I keep rethinking those words everything i hear someone say them to me..."make a new start" or "starting over". just seems so cold...i cant start over, obviously...if i could i would start back on march 1st when michael got sick. But lets not go there, shall we. Anyways, we both are really liking the new place, we are almost all the way unpacked so its starting to feel a little like home. I go back to work tomorrow again. this time atleast im only scheduled for 3 1/2 hours :) I work 3 days then have 7 days off but thats because we are going to the rodes with brad's family for the weekend, should be really fun! well i better go....

WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL. WE MISS YOU MORE AND MORE AS THE DAYS GO BY!!!!!

This Void....

ive sat here for the last 15 minutes writing and then erasing over and over again. It feels like there are just no words right now. no words for the longing i feel to hold my son in my arms. the wish that this was still just all a bad dream. I still can not believe he is gone, that all of this actually happened and that my first and only child has passed away. I miss him so unbelievably much.

today is easter

Im feeling very bitter this morning as all i can think about is what we SHOULD have been doing today.... egg hunts, and easter bunnies...

This would have been Michael's real first easter (he was only like 2 or 3 weeks old last year) and we had talked about the easter egg hunting we would do and the little outfit we would pick out for him to wear and getting his picture done with the easter bunny... It pains me.

It makes me not want to ever celebrate holidays again, knowing that my little baby wont be there to enjoy it.

I do not like feeling so angry or bitter but it is hard not to sometimes.

we love you all and thank you all for all your support, we couldnt have done any of this without you all <3

One month ago today...

I can still see your smile and hear your little laugh. the way you used to point at things and mumble daddy's name. I miss the way you would push me away every time i wanted to cuddle, and every time we'd all laugh you felt you had to join in. I miss your big brown eyes and how you crawled around the house. I miss how your smiles could brighten up even the worst of days. You are always on our mind and you live within our hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you Bubbas, and we miss you everyday. I can't believe today it's been a month, since i saw your beautiful face. They say you're in a better place....I really cannot agree because in our arms was the best place you could be. We love you Michael <3

Tomorrow will be one month since Michael passed...

It's really hard to believe that tomorrow will already be one month since we lost our precious boy...but on the other hand it feels like i haven't been able to hold him or see his smile in forever. The pain is still so rudely present, There are times when i feel fine, and then the tiniest thing will just turn it all around and my heart just feels heavy. I have tried going back to work a couple times now, hasn't been the worst but defiantly ended with me crying. I am off work again until the 12th, so when its time to go back i'm really going to work hard at at least managing 4 hour shifts, I need to get back into some sense of normality, which i don't even know what normal could possibly be at this point but we have move forward, not move on, because i can say that i will never be over this or be able to "move on" from my child's death, but i can certainly start trying to move forward. We move into a new apartment a week from tomorrow, so at least i can stay busy packing and cleaning, and i think it will be good. It is very hard sitting in the living room where it all happened, it's as if those images get stuck in my head sometimes and it hurts. And i know leaving here wont make the images stop, those will be with us forever, but it will be a fresh start. Mornings are still usually the hardest part of the day for me, usually because i'm alone (brad is at work) and Michael is the first thing i think of when i wake up, but today has been kind of a harder day...i guess just realizing how long it has been already and thinking of him alot today. well i better go. Love you Bubbas!

today..

I attempt to go back to work again today. Don't really know how its gonna work...we will see... I have also had a few people basically telling me that its time to get over Michael's death...I'm gonna say this right now, we will NEVER get over or forget what has happened. Michael was truly the sunshine of our lives, our one and only child. We had so many plans for his life and things we couldn't wait to see him do and now we can't, so please try to understand that this was our son that we lost, not a pet or a friend but our SON. I love you all and appreciate everyone praying and thinking of our family, I just ask that you guys remember that this is not going to be an easy road for us to go down and that our hearts are broken. Love you all and again thank you for all your support love and prayers. we don't know what we would have done without you all. <3

Whispers From Heaven

This is the poem that came with a beautiful wind chime that has michael's name engraved in it that we got from our best friend and michael's "uncle", Robbie, and his family <3 This poem just sent tears rolling down my face. we love you Smelser Family!!!!!!!


When i left this world without you,
i know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"

The peace that I have found here
goes far beyond compare
No rain, no clouds, no suffering-
just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled
just stay close to God in prayer
Someday we'll be reunited
My love, His love surrounds you always,
EVERYWHERE!

All I can really say right now...

is how much we miss you michael

Mornings are really hard...

every morning when i get up, in the back of my head im thinking i need to go check on michael...but then i remember that i cant. sometimes i swear i hear him talking or crying in his room, but its just a memory. all i can ever think to myself is how bad i want him back or how i wish there would have been something anything that someone could have done, but i know that doesn't help anything. I go in his room and just cry looking at all his toys and his bed, it hurts. He was so young and so perfect, and i just will never understand why such an innocent and perfect little boy was taken from us. I always think about all the plans and hopes we had for him, all the things we would talk about him doing in the future, or "big boy" toys we were going to buy for him as he got older. But the part that kills me about that is the fact he didn't even get to experience his first birthday. It was gonna be the Disney Cars theme, i had bought the little plates and picked out the cake and everything. I hate how unfair life is... all i wanted was to watch our son grow up and have our beautiful family. how much is that to ask for? isn't that what every person wants? Just a family. Its not like i wanted a million dollars or to be famous, no...i just wanted to grow old with my hubby and let us watch our son grow up into a man. I don't know why we have been denied the only thing we wanted but that is just wrong. I was told all my life that a parent's worst nightmare is having to see their child die...that no parent should ever have to live through that, and now we are living right in the middle of that nightmare. for those of you praying for us, please pray that we continue to hold each other close as we grieve the horrible loss of our son and that one day we will be at peace with all of this. i love u all. thank you for keeping us in your thoughts <3

today was my first day back at work...

So today i attempted my first day back at work(I work at Target)...i knew i wouldn't last the whole 8 1/2 hour shift so i asked to make it a half day which they were fine with. So they had me stocking the candy/gum so that i could keep busy, which was so awesome of them, but it being Saturday we were busy and lots of people with children were everywhere. All i kept hearing was either babies crying or little kids saying mama and dada, and about 2 hours into my shift i saw a set of twin boys that couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 weeks old and i just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. So i'm on the schedule for 11:30 to 8pm tomorrow, and i know i wont last the whole 8 1/2 hour shift but im gonna try to make it 4 hours tomorrow! just one small step at a time. love you all who is reading my blogs!! <3

The Poem that we had Elisia read at Michael's memorial service

"You will Never be Forgotten" written by: Jessica Andrews

I'll always see your face,
the corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know.
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word i will never say.

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.

I can't Hold your hand,
Or look into your eyes
And when i talk to you
It just echoes in my mind.
But if hearts are made of dust
and if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are.

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you're gone...

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.


WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL ANTHONY AUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter to michael, written 3-17-10

Michael,
It has been 15 days since you passed...it still feels like the same day. it doesn't seem like we've been without your smiles and babbles for two weeks now. I long to hold you ever so tight...what i would do just to see crawling around laughing whenever we are laughing, or getting into everything you aren't supposed to. Life is too simple now and i hate it, i treasure all the late nights and cuddle times we had. you completed our little family, and now we are broken, but you will always live in our hearts and will never be forgotten. we could never get over you or what has happened, youwill always be our first born...our Bubbas <3 always know that nothing and no one could ever try to replace you, we love you SO much and always will. Not one hour goes by where we don't think of you and miss you terribly...more than you could ever know.

Mama and Dada love you Bubbas! Pest In Peace my beautiful little boy <3

Love, Mama and Dada

A poem for Sara & Michael, from Alicia Crosson

A little poem for Sara & Michael... "Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that, too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I will never part. God has y...ou in His keeping, I have you in my heart." love and prayers for you... ((hugs))


Thank you alicia, love ya.

Numb

I wrote this when i woke up this morning...it just kinda came to me as i was writing so dont judge too badly, lol.

Its almost as i feel the same, until i think of that smile of yours. Then my memories fade to black and my life is turned upside down. It feels as if you are just at someone's house, or even somewhere far away, but deep down i know you aren't, youre watching down from up above. i hate to cry because i know you are watching but i hate to laugh because you arent there to join in. i feel so conflicted and really just dont know what to do. it feel like life is trying to carry on without you, but i just can't let it. i dont want to admit you are gone, you are my bubbas, my little sunshine. but i cannot hide, i must accept the truth, you're up in heaven with Nubbs waiting for the day you will see mama and dada again. You are so missed baby!! If only i could just hold you and see your beautiful smile again. We love you more than you will ever know bubbas, we are so lost without you <3

2 weeks ago today...

It has already been two weeks....still feels like the same day. On Monday, March 1st i woke up to give michael is morning bottle and usually i can go back to bed for another hour before he wants to get up, but only 20 minutes had past and he was crying. So i got up gave him a bath and brought him into the living room and set him down so he could play. but this time he just sat there and looked at me... so i picked him up and all he wanted to do was cuddle. which anyone who knew him knows he was not a snuggle bunny, he always had to be independent and crawling around doing something. so immediately i knew he must not have been feeling good. all day he just sat with me and watched movies, took little cat naps on and off. By the time brad got home from work that day michael was still acting strange and ended throwing up. so i started to wonder if maybe he found an old bottle that he stashed somewhere and that might have been why he wasnt feeling well. He didn't have any kind of fever or anything so we called brad's mom to ask her if this is something we should take him to the emergency room or if we should just wait until morning to see the doctor. They told us to bring him over so they could see what's goin on, we got there and they said if we didnt mind just to leave him with them and they will watch him close all night. So we get a call in the morning from they saying he wasnt any better and that he was throwing up a little bit that morning (tuesday), so we met them at the doctor's office around 11am and they told us we aren't able to be seen until 2:30pm so we went back home to wait. All he really did was sleep while we were at home waiting. we got back at the doctor's around 2:30, we didnt get seen until about 3:30 (it was really busy) and the doctor checked him out and said that there was a stomach flu going around in kids right now and this is what it looked like. so he told us that with a child so young he cant give medication to him but to just give him perilyte and little bits of water until the vommiting subsides. So we got home around 4pm, put michael down in the portable crib in the living room while we started cleaning up the house because my dad and stepmom were coming over for dinner. and every 10 minutes or so i checked on the baby and went to feed him some pedilyte, but he could not hold anything down for more than like 5 minutes or so. So by the time 7pm had rolled around my dad and step mom showed up and michael was seeming to be getting worse, so my dad was holding him and we were all looking at him and he just started looking out of it. I stepped out back while calling the advise nurse and before i could even get out what i was trying to say to her all i hear is, "sara call 911 he isnt breathing!" and i looked in the door and my dad was holding michael by his chest face down so he wouldnt choke but he was completey limp and covered in vomit. I immediately freaked out and hung up and dialed 911, frantically told them what and where and handed the phone to my dad so they could walk him and brad through CPR while we waited for the paramedics. The image of my son laying lifeless on our living room floor will forever haunt me...all i can remember saying was, "not my bubbas...not our baby boy." you alway hear of this kind of thing happening and people dying everyday, but never once do we stop and truly think it could happen to us... i can honestly say that i 100% saw my son in the future... we had big plans for when he got older and it pains me to think that he didnt even get to see his first birthday, which was right around the corner. Anyway...Once the paramedics got here they tried for a few minutes here to revive him and finally with no luck yet they took him to the ambulence and put me in the passenger seat to leave. Brad tried jumping in the back but they told him he had to get out so my dad and stepmom grabbed him and brought him to the hospital once everyone got out of the house. I had this heavy feeling of everything not being okay once they still werent getting him in the ambulence. everyone kept telling me he'd be okay but deep down i feared the worst of course. I followed the strecher into the trama room and they took me to another room and said they'd be back in a minute for me. I sat down in the "quiet room" across two other women who were in tears as well and overheard my story as i was telling a police officer and the younger women just looked at me with such sorrow and told me if there was anything she could do to just ask. I sat there in shock and in tears just trying to wake myself up from this horrible nightmare, when a doctor came in and said, "you may come in the room now if you would like", and i asked him, "is he breathing?" and he did not answer me, so i knew the answer but i asked again, "is he breathing?" and he answered, "no not yet but they are doing everything we possibly can." so i entered the trauma room and saw a million doctors running around like crazy trying to revive our little boy and i started to get upset so they had me leave back to the "quiet room." Right after i got back into that room, brad and my dad and claudette walked in, and i ran and held brad and just cryed and before i could say anything to him the docotor came in and said the words no parent should ever have to hear..."I'm sorry, we did everything we could but your son didn't make it"... it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces and fell on the floor. Brad immediatley told everyone to get out for a minute and that me and him needed to talk, so we shut the door and he turned to me and said, "I love you and I am not going anywhere no matter what happens. we will get through this baby, i love you." Then we all had to wait for about an hour until we could go in and see michael. Everyone just couldn't believe anything that had happened, we were all in shock...we all still are in shock. Finally we went in to say our goodbyes, i walked in and saw my bubbas laying there, he had a blanket up to his chin so all you saw was his face. I walked over and kissed his cold forhead and said I love you bubbas, goodbye baby and brad did the same and we left. The police told us we were not allowed to go home yet because they needed to do their investigation first so they went to our place while we sat with the coroner and answered a million questions at the hospital. FINALLY they called us and said you can come home, around 12:30am. Once we were home we gathered michael's things from the living room and put them all in his room and my dad and claudette scrubbed the vommit stains in the carpet. My mom stayed with us at our house for a few days, we had very late nights up until recently. We found out a couple days after the incident from the detective that the preliminary autopsy report had come in and that michael's cause of death was an intestinal hernia and aspiration. They said the type of hernia and it's location was deadly and the surgeries for this even if caught early on such a young child would have not worked out very well if at all. So basically there is nothing anyone really could have done for him. They said that the hernia couldn't have formed inside him earlier than the night before he got sick (sunday), and they usually are deadly within 48 hours. Michael went from perfect to gone in 36 hours. I still just can't believe it, it all still feels like a bad dream or something. But it hurts...it hurts really bad. what i wouldn't do just to see his beautiful smile again. Mommy and Daddy love you bubbas! forever and always!