today..

I attempt to go back to work again today. Don't really know how its gonna work...we will see... I have also had a few people basically telling me that its time to get over Michael's death...I'm gonna say this right now, we will NEVER get over or forget what has happened. Michael was truly the sunshine of our lives, our one and only child. We had so many plans for his life and things we couldn't wait to see him do and now we can't, so please try to understand that this was our son that we lost, not a pet or a friend but our SON. I love you all and appreciate everyone praying and thinking of our family, I just ask that you guys remember that this is not going to be an easy road for us to go down and that our hearts are broken. Love you all and again thank you for all your support love and prayers. we don't know what we would have done without you all. <3

Whispers From Heaven

This is the poem that came with a beautiful wind chime that has michael's name engraved in it that we got from our best friend and michael's "uncle", Robbie, and his family <3 This poem just sent tears rolling down my face. we love you Smelser Family!!!!!!!


When i left this world without you,
i know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping,
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper,
"My loved ones, please go on"

The peace that I have found here
goes far beyond compare
No rain, no clouds, no suffering-
just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled
just stay close to God in prayer
Someday we'll be reunited
My love, His love surrounds you always,
EVERYWHERE!

All I can really say right now...

is how much we miss you michael

Mornings are really hard...

every morning when i get up, in the back of my head im thinking i need to go check on michael...but then i remember that i cant. sometimes i swear i hear him talking or crying in his room, but its just a memory. all i can ever think to myself is how bad i want him back or how i wish there would have been something anything that someone could have done, but i know that doesn't help anything. I go in his room and just cry looking at all his toys and his bed, it hurts. He was so young and so perfect, and i just will never understand why such an innocent and perfect little boy was taken from us. I always think about all the plans and hopes we had for him, all the things we would talk about him doing in the future, or "big boy" toys we were going to buy for him as he got older. But the part that kills me about that is the fact he didn't even get to experience his first birthday. It was gonna be the Disney Cars theme, i had bought the little plates and picked out the cake and everything. I hate how unfair life is... all i wanted was to watch our son grow up and have our beautiful family. how much is that to ask for? isn't that what every person wants? Just a family. Its not like i wanted a million dollars or to be famous, no...i just wanted to grow old with my hubby and let us watch our son grow up into a man. I don't know why we have been denied the only thing we wanted but that is just wrong. I was told all my life that a parent's worst nightmare is having to see their child die...that no parent should ever have to live through that, and now we are living right in the middle of that nightmare. for those of you praying for us, please pray that we continue to hold each other close as we grieve the horrible loss of our son and that one day we will be at peace with all of this. i love u all. thank you for keeping us in your thoughts <3

today was my first day back at work...

So today i attempted my first day back at work(I work at Target)...i knew i wouldn't last the whole 8 1/2 hour shift so i asked to make it a half day which they were fine with. So they had me stocking the candy/gum so that i could keep busy, which was so awesome of them, but it being Saturday we were busy and lots of people with children were everywhere. All i kept hearing was either babies crying or little kids saying mama and dada, and about 2 hours into my shift i saw a set of twin boys that couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 weeks old and i just couldn't hold back the tears any longer. So i'm on the schedule for 11:30 to 8pm tomorrow, and i know i wont last the whole 8 1/2 hour shift but im gonna try to make it 4 hours tomorrow! just one small step at a time. love you all who is reading my blogs!! <3

The Poem that we had Elisia read at Michael's memorial service

"You will Never be Forgotten" written by: Jessica Andrews

I'll always see your face,
the corner of your smile
And all the little things that no one will ever know.
Like it was yesterday, won't ever fade away
Goodbye is just a word i will never say.

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.

I can't Hold your hand,
Or look into your eyes
And when i talk to you
It just echoes in my mind.
But if hearts are made of dust
and if we fell from the stars
I look up tonight and know just where you are.

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.

And the world just keeps on going
It has no way of knowing
That you're gone...

You will never be forgotten
A million days could pass us by,
But what is time but just a dream.
Oh i still feel you here with me,
You're more than just a memory.
Oh you will never be forgotten.


WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL ANTHONY AUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter to michael, written 3-17-10

Michael,
It has been 15 days since you passed...it still feels like the same day. it doesn't seem like we've been without your smiles and babbles for two weeks now. I long to hold you ever so tight...what i would do just to see crawling around laughing whenever we are laughing, or getting into everything you aren't supposed to. Life is too simple now and i hate it, i treasure all the late nights and cuddle times we had. you completed our little family, and now we are broken, but you will always live in our hearts and will never be forgotten. we could never get over you or what has happened, youwill always be our first born...our Bubbas <3 always know that nothing and no one could ever try to replace you, we love you SO much and always will. Not one hour goes by where we don't think of you and miss you terribly...more than you could ever know.

Mama and Dada love you Bubbas! Pest In Peace my beautiful little boy <3

Love, Mama and Dada

A poem for Sara & Michael, from Alicia Crosson

A little poem for Sara & Michael... "Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that, too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I will never part. God has y...ou in His keeping, I have you in my heart." love and prayers for you... ((hugs))


Thank you alicia, love ya.

Numb

I wrote this when i woke up this morning...it just kinda came to me as i was writing so dont judge too badly, lol.

Its almost as i feel the same, until i think of that smile of yours. Then my memories fade to black and my life is turned upside down. It feels as if you are just at someone's house, or even somewhere far away, but deep down i know you aren't, youre watching down from up above. i hate to cry because i know you are watching but i hate to laugh because you arent there to join in. i feel so conflicted and really just dont know what to do. it feel like life is trying to carry on without you, but i just can't let it. i dont want to admit you are gone, you are my bubbas, my little sunshine. but i cannot hide, i must accept the truth, you're up in heaven with Nubbs waiting for the day you will see mama and dada again. You are so missed baby!! If only i could just hold you and see your beautiful smile again. We love you more than you will ever know bubbas, we are so lost without you <3

2 weeks ago today...

It has already been two weeks....still feels like the same day. On Monday, March 1st i woke up to give michael is morning bottle and usually i can go back to bed for another hour before he wants to get up, but only 20 minutes had past and he was crying. So i got up gave him a bath and brought him into the living room and set him down so he could play. but this time he just sat there and looked at me... so i picked him up and all he wanted to do was cuddle. which anyone who knew him knows he was not a snuggle bunny, he always had to be independent and crawling around doing something. so immediately i knew he must not have been feeling good. all day he just sat with me and watched movies, took little cat naps on and off. By the time brad got home from work that day michael was still acting strange and ended throwing up. so i started to wonder if maybe he found an old bottle that he stashed somewhere and that might have been why he wasnt feeling well. He didn't have any kind of fever or anything so we called brad's mom to ask her if this is something we should take him to the emergency room or if we should just wait until morning to see the doctor. They told us to bring him over so they could see what's goin on, we got there and they said if we didnt mind just to leave him with them and they will watch him close all night. So we get a call in the morning from they saying he wasnt any better and that he was throwing up a little bit that morning (tuesday), so we met them at the doctor's office around 11am and they told us we aren't able to be seen until 2:30pm so we went back home to wait. All he really did was sleep while we were at home waiting. we got back at the doctor's around 2:30, we didnt get seen until about 3:30 (it was really busy) and the doctor checked him out and said that there was a stomach flu going around in kids right now and this is what it looked like. so he told us that with a child so young he cant give medication to him but to just give him perilyte and little bits of water until the vommiting subsides. So we got home around 4pm, put michael down in the portable crib in the living room while we started cleaning up the house because my dad and stepmom were coming over for dinner. and every 10 minutes or so i checked on the baby and went to feed him some pedilyte, but he could not hold anything down for more than like 5 minutes or so. So by the time 7pm had rolled around my dad and step mom showed up and michael was seeming to be getting worse, so my dad was holding him and we were all looking at him and he just started looking out of it. I stepped out back while calling the advise nurse and before i could even get out what i was trying to say to her all i hear is, "sara call 911 he isnt breathing!" and i looked in the door and my dad was holding michael by his chest face down so he wouldnt choke but he was completey limp and covered in vomit. I immediately freaked out and hung up and dialed 911, frantically told them what and where and handed the phone to my dad so they could walk him and brad through CPR while we waited for the paramedics. The image of my son laying lifeless on our living room floor will forever haunt me...all i can remember saying was, "not my bubbas...not our baby boy." you alway hear of this kind of thing happening and people dying everyday, but never once do we stop and truly think it could happen to us... i can honestly say that i 100% saw my son in the future... we had big plans for when he got older and it pains me to think that he didnt even get to see his first birthday, which was right around the corner. Anyway...Once the paramedics got here they tried for a few minutes here to revive him and finally with no luck yet they took him to the ambulence and put me in the passenger seat to leave. Brad tried jumping in the back but they told him he had to get out so my dad and stepmom grabbed him and brought him to the hospital once everyone got out of the house. I had this heavy feeling of everything not being okay once they still werent getting him in the ambulence. everyone kept telling me he'd be okay but deep down i feared the worst of course. I followed the strecher into the trama room and they took me to another room and said they'd be back in a minute for me. I sat down in the "quiet room" across two other women who were in tears as well and overheard my story as i was telling a police officer and the younger women just looked at me with such sorrow and told me if there was anything she could do to just ask. I sat there in shock and in tears just trying to wake myself up from this horrible nightmare, when a doctor came in and said, "you may come in the room now if you would like", and i asked him, "is he breathing?" and he did not answer me, so i knew the answer but i asked again, "is he breathing?" and he answered, "no not yet but they are doing everything we possibly can." so i entered the trauma room and saw a million doctors running around like crazy trying to revive our little boy and i started to get upset so they had me leave back to the "quiet room." Right after i got back into that room, brad and my dad and claudette walked in, and i ran and held brad and just cryed and before i could say anything to him the docotor came in and said the words no parent should ever have to hear..."I'm sorry, we did everything we could but your son didn't make it"... it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces and fell on the floor. Brad immediatley told everyone to get out for a minute and that me and him needed to talk, so we shut the door and he turned to me and said, "I love you and I am not going anywhere no matter what happens. we will get through this baby, i love you." Then we all had to wait for about an hour until we could go in and see michael. Everyone just couldn't believe anything that had happened, we were all in shock...we all still are in shock. Finally we went in to say our goodbyes, i walked in and saw my bubbas laying there, he had a blanket up to his chin so all you saw was his face. I walked over and kissed his cold forhead and said I love you bubbas, goodbye baby and brad did the same and we left. The police told us we were not allowed to go home yet because they needed to do their investigation first so they went to our place while we sat with the coroner and answered a million questions at the hospital. FINALLY they called us and said you can come home, around 12:30am. Once we were home we gathered michael's things from the living room and put them all in his room and my dad and claudette scrubbed the vommit stains in the carpet. My mom stayed with us at our house for a few days, we had very late nights up until recently. We found out a couple days after the incident from the detective that the preliminary autopsy report had come in and that michael's cause of death was an intestinal hernia and aspiration. They said the type of hernia and it's location was deadly and the surgeries for this even if caught early on such a young child would have not worked out very well if at all. So basically there is nothing anyone really could have done for him. They said that the hernia couldn't have formed inside him earlier than the night before he got sick (sunday), and they usually are deadly within 48 hours. Michael went from perfect to gone in 36 hours. I still just can't believe it, it all still feels like a bad dream or something. But it hurts...it hurts really bad. what i wouldn't do just to see his beautiful smile again. Mommy and Daddy love you bubbas! forever and always!