Baby Boy

My little sister(in law) wrote a very heartfelt blog today about michael and it just put me in tears. Everything she said..I feel the same. It hurts everyday. We all miss him so very much. Here is what she wrote:
The pain of that night replays in my head daily. the phone call that i got, the car ride to the hospital, and all the days of mourning since march 2010. I feel like I'm never going to get through this. It's like a battle against myself. Some days I laugh about the good times I had with him, but most days I cry. Michael was the happiest baby I've ever met, He was smart, and funny. I can remember his smell, his giggle, and his smile like I just saw him 10 minutes ago. He's the only boy who's loved me unconditionally that i've loved back just as much. His life was taken too soon. I'm sitting here writing this because i just saw the same pain that i have, but in my dad. He made a collage of Michaels pictures outside. He covered them in little sayings like "grandpa loves you baby" and "you're my love". I know that this pain will never leave and i feel like it's getting worse everyday. When i go to sleep at night, i pray that God will bring him back to me for just long enough for me to say goodbye and that i love him and give him JUST one last hug and kiss. just one last time. I'm losing faith in everything at this point. I'm missing a huge part of my heart. He's still in my dreams. Playing with his tonka truck and kissing his curious george stuffed animal. But thats not enough. i just want him back to hold and play with and watch him grow. Easter was hard. i didn't get to dress him up in his easter outfit, buy him a stuffed bunny or help him hunt eggs in the back yard. We had a hollow brunch that dispersed pretty quickly, with the thought of him bouncing around in all our heads but very little spoken about him. He missed his first birthday by 11 days. no presents, no party, nothing. i try to forget because it hurts me so badly inside. i try to move on, to live normally, but now instead of seeing a little boy and his daddy and talking about michael and my brother, i tear up and walk the other direction. thinking of how my big brother doesn't have his son any more. it hurts me to see my brother hurt more than anyone else. i grew up with him, so i know how he is, and he's different. not the way he acts, or dresses, or lives life. but there's just something that's missing about him. it kills me. Michael is in my heart forever and on my mind constantly. i love him more than anything, and i wish he would have known that. i didn't tell him enough.
Rest In Paradise Baby.
Aunty Loves You.
..
Michael Anthony Auch
March 13, 2009 - March 2, 2010



WE LOVE YOU BUBBAS!

Bubbas

I miss every little detail about you...

your big beautiful brown eyes that lit up when you saw mama and dada,
your contagious laugh that followed everytime we laughed,
your silly army crawl that you did,
every adorable babble that came from your precious mouth,
the way you would point your tiny finger at anything you thought was neat.

I'll never forget the first time you waved, or clapped your hands so excitedly.
And I'll always remember that beautiful smile, that took my breath away.

The way you looked when i fed you something new, or how happy you were when you discovered that bath time was fun.

You will always be my sunshine, and that will never change.

I love you Michael Anthony Auch. You will always be my baby boy.

It has been 50 long days since i held our precious boy, they say it gets easier with time, but it almost hurts worse as time goes by...

Love you Bubbas <3

Red Bluff Rodeo

We got back from the rodeo in Red Bluff today. I must say it was very nice being able to get out and enjoy nature and have some fun at the rodeo. It was hard being at the rodeo though, so many little boys in little cowboy boots and cowboy hats...it reminded me so much of how excited we all were about Micheal's first rodeo trip, and how we would have gotten him his own cowboy hat and boots...But it was a great trip. We had fun camping and going on nature walks with the whole gang. We went with Brad's side of the family; Mom & Dad, Allison & Zach, Elisia & Kayla, Grandma & Papa, Uncle Hyde & Christy & Cody, and elisia's friends Kristy, Katrina, Carrie and her family :)

So altogether it was a good weekend.

life keeps going but i dont want it to......

days keep passing by...yet i dont want life to go on without you michael. I just want to go back and fix everything. I miss you way too much michael! I just want to hold you and never let you go. love you bubbas!

Moved

We moved into our new place on friday...feels like we are staying in a hotel..but i really like it here. the scenery is so peaceful, i walked out on our front porch yesterday morning and it was bright and sunny, we are surrounded by trees and rolling hills of green grass. all i could here were birds chirping. Its a very relaxing place to try and make a "new start". I keep rethinking those words everything i hear someone say them to me..."make a new start" or "starting over". just seems so cold...i cant start over, obviously...if i could i would start back on march 1st when michael got sick. But lets not go there, shall we. Anyways, we both are really liking the new place, we are almost all the way unpacked so its starting to feel a little like home. I go back to work tomorrow again. this time atleast im only scheduled for 3 1/2 hours :) I work 3 days then have 7 days off but thats because we are going to the rodes with brad's family for the weekend, should be really fun! well i better go....

WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL. WE MISS YOU MORE AND MORE AS THE DAYS GO BY!!!!!

This Void....

ive sat here for the last 15 minutes writing and then erasing over and over again. It feels like there are just no words right now. no words for the longing i feel to hold my son in my arms. the wish that this was still just all a bad dream. I still can not believe he is gone, that all of this actually happened and that my first and only child has passed away. I miss him so unbelievably much.

today is easter

Im feeling very bitter this morning as all i can think about is what we SHOULD have been doing today.... egg hunts, and easter bunnies...

This would have been Michael's real first easter (he was only like 2 or 3 weeks old last year) and we had talked about the easter egg hunting we would do and the little outfit we would pick out for him to wear and getting his picture done with the easter bunny... It pains me.

It makes me not want to ever celebrate holidays again, knowing that my little baby wont be there to enjoy it.

I do not like feeling so angry or bitter but it is hard not to sometimes.

we love you all and thank you all for all your support, we couldnt have done any of this without you all <3

One month ago today...

I can still see your smile and hear your little laugh. the way you used to point at things and mumble daddy's name. I miss the way you would push me away every time i wanted to cuddle, and every time we'd all laugh you felt you had to join in. I miss your big brown eyes and how you crawled around the house. I miss how your smiles could brighten up even the worst of days. You are always on our mind and you live within our hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you Bubbas, and we miss you everyday. I can't believe today it's been a month, since i saw your beautiful face. They say you're in a better place....I really cannot agree because in our arms was the best place you could be. We love you Michael <3

Tomorrow will be one month since Michael passed...

It's really hard to believe that tomorrow will already be one month since we lost our precious boy...but on the other hand it feels like i haven't been able to hold him or see his smile in forever. The pain is still so rudely present, There are times when i feel fine, and then the tiniest thing will just turn it all around and my heart just feels heavy. I have tried going back to work a couple times now, hasn't been the worst but defiantly ended with me crying. I am off work again until the 12th, so when its time to go back i'm really going to work hard at at least managing 4 hour shifts, I need to get back into some sense of normality, which i don't even know what normal could possibly be at this point but we have move forward, not move on, because i can say that i will never be over this or be able to "move on" from my child's death, but i can certainly start trying to move forward. We move into a new apartment a week from tomorrow, so at least i can stay busy packing and cleaning, and i think it will be good. It is very hard sitting in the living room where it all happened, it's as if those images get stuck in my head sometimes and it hurts. And i know leaving here wont make the images stop, those will be with us forever, but it will be a fresh start. Mornings are still usually the hardest part of the day for me, usually because i'm alone (brad is at work) and Michael is the first thing i think of when i wake up, but today has been kind of a harder day...i guess just realizing how long it has been already and thinking of him alot today. well i better go. Love you Bubbas!