It has been 83 days...

I haven't written in a while. Some of that has to do with my computer being in the shop but i have also been busy, getting back into work a lot more now, trying to hold a steady 20 hours a week, and I'm doing pretty good at about 15 to 18 so I'm getting there. Brad and I are doing okay. I get into this dilemma with myself over the question, "How are we doing?" because my programmed response for life was always just to say good, whether i was good or bad, but since we lost our Michael, I cant seem to say that I am good without Micheal's face flashing through my mind and immediately I want to take it back...And it isn't because I may not be doing Ok, it's that I still feel like I'm not okay with being good, it feels wrong almost...because my son, my little baby boy is not here so how can it be good? But don't get me wrong...we still smile and laugh and strive to continue through each day together and at our best ability to be happy. But always in some part of our minds our precious little Bubbas stays and sometimes, usually when I am alone, i will finally just let myself go for a few minutes and just ball my eyes out. We miss him so much there are no words to explain. We mourn not only for our son we lost but for the boy and man he would have grown up to be...But his memory will always live on...He touched all our lives in such a huge way.

I wanted to also just take a moment to thank every single person who has helped us during this hardest time of our lives. There are so many people that have reached out to us, whether it was a note saying they cared, or the dinners that were brought to us, or all the never ending prayers we have and still do receive.

I also have a special thank you to the members of Bridgeway Church, Lifehouse Church, and Kaiser Perminente for your contributions to the fund that was created to help us through this. I don't know what we would have done without you...

Our love goes out to you all.

The days leading up to mother's day...

Mother's day is this sunday....and i am not looking forward to being reminded of all the mother's who are blessed with their children...I almost feel bad, like im being unreasonable almost. Its more jealousy i guess, thinking about how they all still have their babies and i dont. its just not fair. but i try not to think like that. I dont want to be angry and negative. Its just so hard, especially at work, this week. Seeing all the cards and gifts for mothers day that people are buying and all the happy mothers day decorations around the store, of course on top of always seeing babies and children, but im "used to" that (as much as ill ever be i think). See alot of people think only about the obvious getting to me...seeing babies around his age or babies crying, but you'd be surprised that older toddlers or pregnant women get to me too. I see older toddlers and think of what he would have and should have been and it tears me apart. I miss not only who he was but who he was going to be too. And pregnant women...oh my...they hit me pretty hard, maybe its because that where we first met with our Michael or maybe its the sadness of not having my own baby anymore. everyone keeps telling me that i need to always remember that i am still a mother and i know that is true its just hard to feel like a mother when your child is in heaven... TO all of you mother's out there reading this...I hope you have a special mother's day, and always remember how precious life really is...never take anything for granite and always cherish your children! <3