I haven't written in a while. Some of that has to do with my computer being in the shop but i have also been busy, getting back into work a lot more now, trying to hold a steady 20 hours a week, and I'm doing pretty good at about 15 to 18 so I'm getting there. Brad and I are doing okay. I get into this dilemma with myself over the question, "How are we doing?" because my programmed response for life was always just to say good, whether i was good or bad, but since we lost our Michael, I cant seem to say that I am good without Micheal's face flashing through my mind and immediately I want to take it back...And it isn't because I may not be doing Ok, it's that I still feel like I'm not okay with being good, it feels wrong almost...because my son, my little baby boy is not here so how can it be good? But don't get me wrong...we still smile and laugh and strive to continue through each day together and at our best ability to be happy. But always in some part of our minds our precious little Bubbas stays and sometimes, usually when I am alone, i will finally just let myself go for a few minutes and just ball my eyes out. We miss him so much there are no words to explain. We mourn not only for our son we lost but for the boy and man he would have grown up to be...But his memory will always live on...He touched all our lives in such a huge way.
I wanted to also just take a moment to thank every single person who has helped us during this hardest time of our lives. There are so many people that have reached out to us, whether it was a note saying they cared, or the dinners that were brought to us, or all the never ending prayers we have and still do receive.
I also have a special thank you to the members of Bridgeway Church, Lifehouse Church, and Kaiser Perminente for your contributions to the fund that was created to help us through this. I don't know what we would have done without you...
Our love goes out to you all.
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Hi Sarah, oh how I relate to so much of what you are saying here. I feel guilty for even "feeling good or okay" because the thought of life without my little girl is not okay and certainly not good. And the truth is I'm not good very often. I usually just answer "okay" unless they're a safe person that really wants to know how I am. This process of grief...it is quite the process and I think we are only in the beginning. Thank you for updating, I haven't blogged in a while either, sometimes I just don't know how much to share or if there is anything positive to say. I do hope we can meet one day and share some of our journey face-to-face. Blessings and prayers to you and Brad.
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