2 weeks ago today...

It has already been two weeks....still feels like the same day. On Monday, March 1st i woke up to give michael is morning bottle and usually i can go back to bed for another hour before he wants to get up, but only 20 minutes had past and he was crying. So i got up gave him a bath and brought him into the living room and set him down so he could play. but this time he just sat there and looked at me... so i picked him up and all he wanted to do was cuddle. which anyone who knew him knows he was not a snuggle bunny, he always had to be independent and crawling around doing something. so immediately i knew he must not have been feeling good. all day he just sat with me and watched movies, took little cat naps on and off. By the time brad got home from work that day michael was still acting strange and ended throwing up. so i started to wonder if maybe he found an old bottle that he stashed somewhere and that might have been why he wasnt feeling well. He didn't have any kind of fever or anything so we called brad's mom to ask her if this is something we should take him to the emergency room or if we should just wait until morning to see the doctor. They told us to bring him over so they could see what's goin on, we got there and they said if we didnt mind just to leave him with them and they will watch him close all night. So we get a call in the morning from they saying he wasnt any better and that he was throwing up a little bit that morning (tuesday), so we met them at the doctor's office around 11am and they told us we aren't able to be seen until 2:30pm so we went back home to wait. All he really did was sleep while we were at home waiting. we got back at the doctor's around 2:30, we didnt get seen until about 3:30 (it was really busy) and the doctor checked him out and said that there was a stomach flu going around in kids right now and this is what it looked like. so he told us that with a child so young he cant give medication to him but to just give him perilyte and little bits of water until the vommiting subsides. So we got home around 4pm, put michael down in the portable crib in the living room while we started cleaning up the house because my dad and stepmom were coming over for dinner. and every 10 minutes or so i checked on the baby and went to feed him some pedilyte, but he could not hold anything down for more than like 5 minutes or so. So by the time 7pm had rolled around my dad and step mom showed up and michael was seeming to be getting worse, so my dad was holding him and we were all looking at him and he just started looking out of it. I stepped out back while calling the advise nurse and before i could even get out what i was trying to say to her all i hear is, "sara call 911 he isnt breathing!" and i looked in the door and my dad was holding michael by his chest face down so he wouldnt choke but he was completey limp and covered in vomit. I immediately freaked out and hung up and dialed 911, frantically told them what and where and handed the phone to my dad so they could walk him and brad through CPR while we waited for the paramedics. The image of my son laying lifeless on our living room floor will forever haunt me...all i can remember saying was, "not my bubbas...not our baby boy." you alway hear of this kind of thing happening and people dying everyday, but never once do we stop and truly think it could happen to us... i can honestly say that i 100% saw my son in the future... we had big plans for when he got older and it pains me to think that he didnt even get to see his first birthday, which was right around the corner. Anyway...Once the paramedics got here they tried for a few minutes here to revive him and finally with no luck yet they took him to the ambulence and put me in the passenger seat to leave. Brad tried jumping in the back but they told him he had to get out so my dad and stepmom grabbed him and brought him to the hospital once everyone got out of the house. I had this heavy feeling of everything not being okay once they still werent getting him in the ambulence. everyone kept telling me he'd be okay but deep down i feared the worst of course. I followed the strecher into the trama room and they took me to another room and said they'd be back in a minute for me. I sat down in the "quiet room" across two other women who were in tears as well and overheard my story as i was telling a police officer and the younger women just looked at me with such sorrow and told me if there was anything she could do to just ask. I sat there in shock and in tears just trying to wake myself up from this horrible nightmare, when a doctor came in and said, "you may come in the room now if you would like", and i asked him, "is he breathing?" and he did not answer me, so i knew the answer but i asked again, "is he breathing?" and he answered, "no not yet but they are doing everything we possibly can." so i entered the trauma room and saw a million doctors running around like crazy trying to revive our little boy and i started to get upset so they had me leave back to the "quiet room." Right after i got back into that room, brad and my dad and claudette walked in, and i ran and held brad and just cryed and before i could say anything to him the docotor came in and said the words no parent should ever have to hear..."I'm sorry, we did everything we could but your son didn't make it"... it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces and fell on the floor. Brad immediatley told everyone to get out for a minute and that me and him needed to talk, so we shut the door and he turned to me and said, "I love you and I am not going anywhere no matter what happens. we will get through this baby, i love you." Then we all had to wait for about an hour until we could go in and see michael. Everyone just couldn't believe anything that had happened, we were all in shock...we all still are in shock. Finally we went in to say our goodbyes, i walked in and saw my bubbas laying there, he had a blanket up to his chin so all you saw was his face. I walked over and kissed his cold forhead and said I love you bubbas, goodbye baby and brad did the same and we left. The police told us we were not allowed to go home yet because they needed to do their investigation first so they went to our place while we sat with the coroner and answered a million questions at the hospital. FINALLY they called us and said you can come home, around 12:30am. Once we were home we gathered michael's things from the living room and put them all in his room and my dad and claudette scrubbed the vommit stains in the carpet. My mom stayed with us at our house for a few days, we had very late nights up until recently. We found out a couple days after the incident from the detective that the preliminary autopsy report had come in and that michael's cause of death was an intestinal hernia and aspiration. They said the type of hernia and it's location was deadly and the surgeries for this even if caught early on such a young child would have not worked out very well if at all. So basically there is nothing anyone really could have done for him. They said that the hernia couldn't have formed inside him earlier than the night before he got sick (sunday), and they usually are deadly within 48 hours. Michael went from perfect to gone in 36 hours. I still just can't believe it, it all still feels like a bad dream or something. But it hurts...it hurts really bad. what i wouldn't do just to see his beautiful smile again. Mommy and Daddy love you bubbas! forever and always!